Family?

Though I’m speaking from personal experience, I know for a fact I am not alone. It happens all the time, when a loved one choses a lifes partner and it turns out this new person doesn’t want to be in or of your family.

I have witnessed this phenomena time and time again. I cannot fathom the new partners reaction, especially when they are welcomed in with open arms.What is it? Jealousy? Territoriality? Ownership? Fear? And this behavior is not restricted to the one sex. Both males and females have shown these tendencies.

What I will say from my personal observations is that this phenomena always seems to be aimed at the mother of the Family.

A mother is the glue for most families, the main influence on us when we are growing up. She teaches us , guides us, and allows us to go out into the world no matter how fearful she is of losing us. And is happy for us (for the most part)when we finally chose our life partner. I call this true Courage.

Could this be the key? The influence our mothers have? Whilst this is a power that could be used for ‘evil’ I have rarely seen it used that way. And yet the new partner shows that they are not only reluctant to join in, but are actually embarrassed at the thought of being associated with us or seen with us.

This reaction is often implied but can also be overt criticism, and is solidly aimed at mum, the rest of the family can also suffer this ostracizing technique but not always.

The child in love, seems blithely unaware of what is happening, and because of this – is part and parcel of the hurt the mum suffers.

I have witnessed a few types of reactions on the mums part.

First, the mother responds in an agressive and angry manner, closing ranks against the interloper and is hyper critical of the new addition( my mother’s reaction). Second, the mother stays quiet (no matter the hurt suffered) and patiently waits for acceptance. Both responses are because the mum is fearful of losing their child and any future grandkids.

There is a third option, when the new partner comes into the family. It is an Option I used based on my personal experiences with my mum, (once I became aware of mum and hubby’s problems). But I’ve noticed it has to be used early in the relationship for it to work. This is what I call the TOTAL HONESTY approach.

I told the new partner, that I was fearful about losing my child and wanted to welcome them into my family but I needed to know what there was about my mob that might intimidate or irritate. That no offense would be taken but the honesty swings both ways. And blow me down! it worked- eleven years down the track it is still working.

I do think I am Lucky, and being totally honest with each other doesn’t eliminate the hurt you can experience. I know that it is not an infallible technique, but I will use it again when the next new life partner comes.