Vulnerable

This week a dear friend said I should keep writing a journal. And since I’ve set up this web site I thought ”what the hey” ”bite the bullet” and ”go for it.” (mind you I think she meant a private journal).

The problem for me is that I (like most people in this world) feel vulnerable and exposed.

Then I had a rethink, this year has been my year of bravery. I am going to allow my vulnerability and share my thoughts.

Now, Now… Stop your groaning. We all have something to say especially on a personal level.

I’m not only feeling vulnerable on a writing level but also on a physical one. I have to have my neck fused or I will end up in a wheelchair in 5 years or so. And I have all these questions racing around in my head.

Like – with all this metal in my neck will I set off alarms? Or -when the microwave is on will my head get to spin around (like in the exorcist)? Will I weigh more?… Seriously… These stupid questions are just part of my dilemma.

There are more serious questions too.

Will I be able to drive? dance? Turn my neck? Look up at the sky? Especially when there’s a full moon, this is one of my secret pleasures. Lean up and kiss my loved ones? ( as I am under five foot tall) this process does concern me. Will, I still be independent? Will I get the sensation back?

Since I have been losing the sensation in my arms and legs, and I feel like I’m dragging a ton of wet sand around I have noticed something. That is phenomenal – I’m not alone – I have a support mechanism with my friends and family.

Yes! Yes? I know I will be able to keep walking and I am truly grateful at the thought. And anyway what choice do I have? Mmm mmm, actually none. So suck it up I say to myself.😱

I suppose what it boils down to is that I’m scared. Or in other words, feeling vulnerable.

To tell the truth I’m feeling a bit better, writing things down has always been cathartic for me. Phew!